


O' Lord, I Have My Doubts

by Vicenderbeth



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Actual Garbage, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Armitage Hux Needs A Hug, Canon-Typical Violence, Crying, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Mediocre writing, Men Crying, Minor Character Death, Sort Of, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, Why did I even think of this, i wrote this in like 5 sittings because i keep on getting distracted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-19 05:53:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15503733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vicenderbeth/pseuds/Vicenderbeth
Summary: Supreme Leader Kylo Ren managed to maim the Resistance even further and victory for the First Order was imminent. At this moment, Hux realized that he is no longer needed and tries his best to not to be disposed of by his old rival. Little did he know, Kylo did not intend to get rid of him.





	O' Lord, I Have My Doubts

**Author's Note:**

> Please take some time to leave a feedback after you read; comments and kudos are my fuel and will make my day :)
> 
> Title taken from a song by $B. Link here: https://youtu.be/EpIFkEETSuI

Kylo faced the viewport and pretended to look at the vast universe that was presented in front of him, but his eyes were unfocused and the stars were nothing but mixed blotches of varying intensity of white that no longer excited him as much as before, when he was just picked up by Lieutenant Hux.

Said Hux – General Hux now, mind you – was now overseeing his underlings’ operations not so far behind him. Barking orders, hissing reprimands and ever so rarely a few compliments when his intentions are executed to his standards. Orderly and efficient, Hux and his crew were the polar opposite of Kylo. The new Supreme Leader tightened his fists ever so slightly at his sides and scrunched up his face, knowing fully that his expression can go undetected under his new mask.

However, with their proximity, the sound of leather creaking under his grip did not escape Hux’s ears. Kylo watched as the General’s back somehow managed to straighten even more on top of his already perfect posture in response, perhaps an automatic reaction that originated as far back as his academy days. Too lazy to psychoanalyze it, Kylo reached out gently with his Force as to not alert the general. To his dismay, he found a momentary ripple before it was tucked nice and secure and beyond his reach. The bit of something he did catch was very vague, he couldn’t tell what it was. Was it fear, anger or was he being delusional? Anger it is then, he decided; fear did not suit him.

The entire bridge froze when he suddenly turned around to face them, waves of their combined panic made him feeling both satisfied and disgusted with himself. He refocused his attention on the General again, his back stiffening just the slightest bit when the ginger snapped a sharp salute at him.

“Supreme Leader, sir.” Hux said in a voice that was devoid of the disdain and hatred that it had contained when Sup— no,  _ Snoke _ — was still alive, “We are tracking down the last Rebel ship and we have successfully eradicated…”

Kylo lost track of what Hux was droning on about already. It was just the right amount of volume and as neutral as he could possibly manage and it was just like the way Hux used to talk to Snoke. Kylo frowned and reached out a wispy tendril of Force but was met with a cold, professional heap of nothing.

Wow, that was…  _ new _ . Hux never did this, not before their fall on Crait yesterday.  _ Supreme Leader… _ He chewed the words silently and wondered. What promises does that name even hold? His eyes lingered on the harsh and unforgiving outlines of Hux’s greatcoat, not a single bit of imperfection can be spotted on his person except the two almost-invisible small indents on the inner edge of his lower lip. He suddenly felt a bit uneasy.

Something told him that Hux had stopped talking and was now looking at him expectantly. He figured that he did not know what to say. All he could think of to do after his long and luxurious water shower and equally-long meditation was to find Hux. A sudden realization hit him unexpectedly: Hux is the only person that knows him well out of the numerous sentient beings abroad this ship. He chuckled at the absurdity and truth behind that thought, but immediately stopped by the another wave of panic that rolled through Hux’s crew.

The chuckle did indeed sound quite savage through the vocoder, he realized. He cleared his throat, which seemed to do them no good— a mixture of panicked mantra now reverberated around him like he had disturbed a pond of calm water by throwing in a fistful of gravel.

_ Pathetic child. _ Snoke’s voice rang inside his head like a broken record.  _ Just a child in a mask _ .

Fucking ridiculous.  _ He _ is the Supreme Leader now. He hastily reached up and detached the mask with a hiss, nearly ripping it off from his head as if he was being suffocated by the damn thing and held it with his hands. Well, he’d taken it off. Where will he put it now? Just holding it in his hands? He was already fucking up every single thing he does and it was only fifteen minutes into Hux’s shift.

He tried to not think about it too hard and cleared his throat again, feeling the fear diminish by a fraction as his normal voice echoed in the silence.

“Uh,” That didn’t come out quite right, “General Hux.” He chose to address the General and observed that the corner of his eyes tightened by just a fraction. Dark shadows lurked even more prominently under those cold and indifferent eyes. When was the last time he actually slept a full resting cycle?

Hux stood straight with his hands behind his back. Kylo reached out again. Still nothing. That fact alone aggravated him, as if a critical part of Hux was hidden from him. Hux wasn’t mad or even slightly annoyed at him for spacing out during another one of his reports. Provoking him was just not going to do.

Kylo carded a gloved hand through his non-regulation hair and let out a sigh. Then he will just do it the  _ Snoke way _ .

“General, you have done well.” He tried to put up a convincing smile and was successful in his endeavor, “Please keep me updated if you have anything new on the  _ Millennium Falcon _ .”

A praise was what Kylo had in mind. Snoke was generous with praises whenever one of them had done exceptionally well, and back in Snoke’s throne room, he could feel that Hux was practically preening and eagerly drank up each and every word of compliment. He doubted that his own compliments would have the same effect, but it was worth a try.

Hux’s eyes widened, with which another ripple – bigger this time – skirted the edge of that godforsaken wall before Hux tucked it back in hurriedly. Kylo’s smile widened unconsciously, savoring the emotions that he had glimpsed. Surprise and… A dash of fear. His face stiffened, a bitter taste started forming in his mouth and a familiar, turbulent energy swirled in his very being, the Force crackling, threatening to lash out at any moment.

Hux was speaking again, “Thank you, sir.” He attempted to straighten his back even more, his eyes were downcast and never meeting Kylo’s.

Kylo did not trust his own voice, so he simply nodded. An attempt at balling his fist again was stopped entirely by the stupid helmet that he held in his hands, the durable material squeaking from the sheer pressure of his palms. Without thinking about it twice, he thrust it into Hux’s direction, who reflexively caught it with his hands in surprise. “Supreme Leader?”

The phrase alone made him want to throw or break something. His force, controlled just as poorly as Hux had said to him a long time ago with his admirable contempt, was so volatile that the rage contained within it was palpable to the people around him. Casting one quick look at the immobile crew, he prayed his voice to not betray his turbulent emotions: “Consider that as a gift.” He left at that, his ridiculous non-regulation clothing rolling dramatically behind him while he tried to disappear to the hallway that led to his quarters as soon as possible. He didn’t need to turn around to sense the weight of Hux’s stare drilling into the spot between his shoulder blades.

He had his hand on the hilt of his lightsaber, a malevolent whisper telling him to switch it on and wreck havoc but he knew better. The disgust he was used to coming from Hux, but never  _ fear _ . He regarded Hux’s fear as a vile pest that now plagued his mind instead. He felt the saber call to him as he recalled the abysmal taste of Hux’s fear radiating from his whole tiny being as he habitually wrapped the Force around his pale neck. He meditated again but he couldn’t chase it out of his head, the way Hux twisted and clawed at his neck as an invisible hand held him in the air, the way his voice crackled as he acknowledged his new position. The way Hux looked at him, the edges in his ice-blue eyes all gone without a trace and replaced with this carefully maintained passiveness.

He picked up the lightsaber and hurled it at the sofa in defeat, curtains of dark hair bounced with his motion as the saber itself bounced off the soft cushions. It was no use. He needed to rid his brain of Hux and Hux’s fear, because fear is weakness and he should not concern himself with the weakness of another person. He forcibly switched his train of thought on another topic entirely: Skywalker’s death. He focused on the adorable little  _ puff _ as Skywalker go, a tug in the Force that was barely perceivable but undoubtedly there. He smiled bitterly and closed his eyes.

 

==

 

Kylo has been gone for longer than usual. Hux tried not to think about it as he massaged the bridge of his nose for what might be the thousandth time of the day as he downed another cup of mixed stims. He cannot afford to take a break now that they were so close to catching what remained of the Rebel scum. A bit over the recommended dosage for stims wouldn’t be too bad, would it?

The datapad lit up with another notification. He scooped it up with one gloved hand and pressed it close to his side as he stormed up to the holo before the viewport just in time to see the damned ship simmered out of sight. They’ve managed to escape again with another jump.

He huffed, a bit short of breath after he sternly scolded every personnel who was responsible in their failed endeavor to deliver the Rebels their final blow. He felt every single bit of energy that remained in him went out at the sight of that little dot in the distance disappeared once again to stars-know-where. More efforts and arrangements would have to be make. More First Order resources would have to be allotted to the search effort.

The leather of his gloves creaked. He can physically feel the beads of sweat rolling down the sides of his face and dripping down his pointy chin as Kylo Ren swiftly walked in, bringing in the musk of smoke and dust with him. The air seemed to solidify around them. Ren cleared his throat and dumped his tattered cowl on the pristine marble floor with a swoosh, revealing two or three bleeding cuts that were sure to scar on his right arm.

What scared them the most was the fact that Ren was smiling. A big, lopsided smile that went from ear to ear, showing all his shiny front teeth. The crew seemed to want no more than retreat to a fetal position in their respective quarters when the monster of a man tucked a strand of wayward locks behind his ear and let out a very gleeful yet human laugh, shifting his weight from one foot to another.

Hux watched with muted horror when Ren clasped his hand before him and spoke to his employees: “Excellent performance, General Hux.” The man closed their distance with three great strides and he tried his best to not flinch.

“S-Suprem –”

Ren puts an arm around his shoulder and Hux couldn’t help to tense under the sudden contact.  _ What the hell is he playing at? _

“Or shall I say –  _ Grand Marshal Hux _ ?” Ren managed to widen his smile by several factors as Hux whipped his head around to look at him with utter disbelief and shock, shrugging out of his hold as he was suddenly aware of their proximity.

“I am not sure what you mean, Supreme Leader.” Hux began carefully and focused his eyes on a spot somewhere behind Ren’s head. The man was entirely unpredictable, the biggest variable in his current situation. Why in the hell would he do that when they just lost track of the Rebel scums  _ again _ ? In front of all his crew? What does he want? Hux was filled with questions that he knew he cannot get the full answer for and stars, he hated that feeling.

Ren’s smile did not falter a bit, “I am glad to announce that today is a great victory for the First Order.” He stepped forward toward his crowd of fearful subordinates, the damned expression still plastered onto his damnably handsome face, “Thanks to Grand Marshal Hux’s valiant effort in diverting and maiming Rebel forces, the Force-sensitive Jakku scavenger is no more. The Jedi is no more. They can’t get away this time, Grand Marshal Hux; we have them tied on the end of a string.” His voice lowers to a soft, deep rumble that remained audible on the silent bridge as he mirrored Hux’s words to Snoke.

Hux licked his lips.  _ Fuck. _ “Thank you, Supreme Leader.” He heard himself say, his voice steady but crackling at the edges. He snapped his mouth close and pursed his lips at once, not willing to let out another sound. He was about to drop at any time. He unprofessionally excused himself to his private quarters at once, receiving a mildly surprised look from Ren.

Ren’s speech went on as Hux escorted himself to the familiar and nearly-empty hallway, his back straight and steps as steady as he could manage them to be.  _ Loathsome Resistance… Dwindling fuel resources… Sure victory… _ He punched in the code with his usual mechanical precision and threw up as soon as the door slid close behind his heels.

 

==

 

Kylo laid haphazardly on a dangerously tilting armchair, his limbs tucked in awkward positions as he lazily poked at a datapad that hovered a mere six inches above his face. He wasn’t exactly the “techy” type, but he did know how to use the damn thing unlike Snoke. The old fool couldn’t tell his bullocks from his datapad. That is, assuming he actually had –

_ Stop. _ Kylo furiously rubbed his nose as the hovering abomination fell onto his face gracelessly. The last thing he needed to start the day was any thoughts that were remotely close to Snoke or Snoke-parts. As much as he hated it, he must perform his duties as a Supreme Leader. To be honest, he didn’t know Supreme Leader’s had any duties other than sitting on a throne all day and ordering people around to their liking; Snoke seemed to be unbothered by responsibilities of any kind. Not by these stupid papers at least. Shouldn’t this be Hux’s job?

Hux. He sat with a start and nearly knocking the poor chair over, all his morning grogginess gone. He hasn’t seen Hux anywhere apart from mere datapad messages like  _ do-your-things _ this and  _ Supreme-Leader-please _ that. He rapidly jabbed at several tabs and not caring one bit when the screen discolors slightly from the applied force, relishing in his new privileges to access higher-ranked officers’ activities and whereabouts. He tapped on the rectangle labeled  _ Grand Marshal A. Hux _ , where the man himself smiled faintly at him. A very arrogant and self-absorbed smile, Kylo decided; a suiting expression for a prideful man like him.

He ignored the pestering beeps from other notifications on things that were probably more important than whatever he was doing at this moment and enthusiastically brushed the tip of his index finger up the screen, examining Hux’s daily routines with more interest than he had ever shown in anything else for a very long time.

The man did not falter in his work as he showed up timely and performed all his Grand Marshal duties religiously for the past few days, Kylo noted. He flipped through the records until the day after Kylo’s return. Hux apparently received his orders that he had placed through holonet… He tapped on a few more icons through the somewhat confusing interface. _Order details…_ _Three sets of non-regulation civilian clothing… Compressed nutrition paste… Backup datapad with holonet access…_ Kylo’s brows furrowed as he went over the long list of items. _Concealer…_

Wait,  _ concealer _ ? What in Sith’s name is that? He squinted at the small thumbnail image of a suspiciously pink and dainty bottle with pale content, supposedly liquid or paste-like and hovered the datapad two inches closer to his eyeballs before remembering that he could zoom. 

After reading the item description, Kylo was no less dumbfounded. It was apparently a cosmetic item that was meant for a largely human-female market according to its reviews, used for blemishes, birthmarks and sometimes facial tattoos and the like. Kylo did not recall Hux being a crossdresser or were there ever a hideous scar that ran across his pasty skin like Kylo’s (Hux wasn’t the type to cover those up anyways). What could it be?

_ Epsilon shift… _ Kylo tapped on the drop-down notifications. Hux was not present in the most recent shift. In fact, Hux was missing since the last resting cycle and it has been 18 hours since anybody has seen him. That was very un-Hux of him, all things considered.  _ Escape pod in hangar 5… _ Wait. 

Kylo wasn’t stupid. He called as soon as he put one and one together and Lieutenant Mitaka picked up, his face filled with uncertainty then fear when Kylo’s image appeared on the other end. 

He knew he looked absolutely hellish and murderous but he did not care. To hell with the friendly image that he tried to build for the past week. 

“Lock all shuttles on hangar bay 5.” He bellowed, “Supreme Leader’s order.” He clipped his saber to the side of his hip and draped his cowl over his shoulders and he was out before Mitaka could hang up, the durasteel door nearly bending when he slammed it shut with the Force. 

Ambitious, of course. Loyal, at least to the First Order if not to its current leader. But Kylo never in his dreams figured Hux to be a cowardly deserter. 

 

==

 

_ Oh, oh stars. This absolutely isn’t regulation.  _

A man can do without regulation sometimes. And protocol. Hux raised his glass to the memory of his father and drank it with one go, the bitter liquid pleasantly burning the back of his throat. 

“Fuck the protocol.” He whispered, a bit too quietly as if he was afraid that anybody would hear him and crushed what might have been the 26th cigarette butt on the makeshift ashtray before him. No, he would be silent soon. Silenced by  _ him _ . He refused to be silent, so he said it louder and clearer this time: “Fuck the regulation too.” 

His voice reverberated off the soundproof walls. No matter how loud he was, his name will not remain in the First Order history despite his numerous groundbreaking achievements. Completely wiped off from the records, that’s how they’ve been doing things since the good old days. This marks the point where the admirable Grand Marshal Hux gets bisected by the slightly less admirable Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, who is surely on his belated way now to the hangar and ripping every carrier open. The great and fearless versus the cowardly and shameful. 

_ Grand Marshal Hux is no more _ , he decided. Neither does First Order nor Kylo Ren need him, for that there are plenty replacements and he is nothing but a thorn at Ren’s side. He wasn’t drunk enough to find this funny yet. He peered at the dashboard ( _ diagnostic 90% complete) _ and poured himself another glass. There, there, Grand Marshal. He chewed his lips and considered the title. An obvious way to warm up to Hux before offing him. Ren might be powerful, but he was still too young to be playing these games with him out of all people. 

The datapad beeped beside his elbow in a frequency that he had never heard before but he did not have a care for anything in the whole galaxy. Hux chuckled to himself as he downed another bone-pale pill with some rye whiskey, blissfully unaware of where or who he is. A bit sloshed over the edge of his glass and splashed onto the floor, which he spent a solid minute lamenting about before the world’s angriest one-that-is-strong-with-the-Force stood before him, whose fury was almost palatable if he weren’t holding his equally angry lightsaber, the blade crackling and the cross-guards spitting sparks. 

Hux opened his mouth, his accent did not help his slightly slurring speech one bit. 

“Hello, Supreme Leader. Wanna --” He set the glass down probably a bit too loudly, entirely unfazed by the glowing weapon before his face, “Care for a drink?”

Hux dumped the rest of the bottle down the thin, pale column of his throat. Fuck it, be it bisection or not, he needed to finish his fucking drink. 

But the bottle changed its orientation and levitated away from his grasping hand before he could get as much as two gulps. Hux blinked, his eyes bleary as he pulled out his blaster. 

 

==

 

Kylo was flabbergasted. Hux looked positively dreadful. Hux was lounging on the pilot’s seat with one of his skinny leg up against the wall of the capsule, the ridiculously loose shorts with tropical patterns revealing more than Kylo had ever known of him. What used to be his neatly combed hair was now a utter mess, definitely over regulation length and sticking out in all directions, some falling over his eyes. His eyes though… 

“Hello, Supreme Leader.”

What. Kylo’s lips quivered but he couldn’t speak, still trying to process the scene before him. Hux’s eyes were infested by deep dark circles, sullen and dull without their usual sharpness. Hux was never sharp after Crait anyways. What used to be sarcastic remarks and incessant scolding became the numerous “Yes, Supreme Leader” and “Please, Supreme Leader” and he never quite met Kylo’s eyes, his mind a fearfully maintained static. Kylo hated it. 

“Wanna — Care for a drink?”

And the moron decided to drink it all after offering. Kylo concentrated the Force on the neck of the bottle and lightly yanked, carefully putting it back in the correct orientation and out of Hux’s reach. Suddenly, the light returned to those sapphire-blue eyes as he drew out his blaster, aiming the petty thing in his face. 

There was so much fear from Hux. He felt his stomach turning as he probed lightly at Hux’s mind, which was livid with thoughts and emotions.  _ The wall is gone. _

Staring down the barrel of Hux’s blaster, he delved deeper into Hux’s thoughts.  _ Force the Force he is here I don’t stand a chance I is he here to…?  _

He recoiled at a vision of himself igniting his lightsaber and plunging it into Hux’s guts and pulled himself out just in time when Hux fired, stopping the blaster shot with ease and dissolving it harmlessly. 

“Get out of my head, Ren.” Hux spat, his voice cracking like a child’s. 

So vulnerable, so open, so un-Hux. Kylo slowly stroked the ridges and grooves in his beloved saber. 

“Grand Marshal, I have never thought you to be a deserter.” He stepped closer and raised the weapon to their eyelevel. A silent threat. How dare he leave Kylo. How dare he. Kylo has been nothing but kind. 

Hux’s arms were shaking, his trigger finger twitching involuntarily before he let the stupid, useless thing drop to his feet. 

“Not a deserter. A shore leave. Protocol.” Hux wetted his chapped lower lip, trying to bit in the overwhelming sensation of fear but to no avail; Kylo’s insides churned at the sheer amount of fear that surrounded the man. Another vision, this time Kylo was choking him with the way of the Force, black blots danced as he slowly run out of oxygen. 

A shore leave he said.  _ Useless useless useless useless.  _ Hux’s mind was so loud that he could barely hear his own thoughts. 

Kylo frowned; the threat did not work. A threat never works on Armitage Hux. He slid his thumb up to deactivate his lightsaber and tucked it back to his hip. 

“Tell me what’s wrong.” 

He took another step toward Hux, who flinched and stumbled back from him until his back was flush against the wall. 

Fear, so much fucking fear. Kylo felt nauseous. Trembling slightly, Hux's mind let loose another scene of Kylo slamming him hard against the polished floor of his office.    
  
"Get out of my FUCKING HEAD!" Hux roared and tackled him. The assault was not a calculated one so it took Kylo by complete surprise, the force of which knocked them both onto the floor. He was quick to disarm Hux of his monomolecular blade with a "Forceful" tug and it clattered uselessly on the floor far out of Hux's reach. Hux let out an ear-splitting scream as he tried to have intimate congress with Kylo’s face using his fist but Kylo stopped him, the Force wrapped and squeezed at Hux’s knuckles instinctively, threatening to crush all the bones in his hand before Kylo realized what he was doing. 

He let go and rolled on top of Hux, blocking yet another blow and pinning both of his bony wrists onto the floor with one large, freckled hand. 

Hux’s face was flushed red from the exertion, struggling pointlessly under his hand. Kylo began slowly: “I’m not here to kill you.”

_ Lies lies lies lies _

Hux’s mind was loud, buzzing with troubled thoughts and pictures like a swarm of flies. Kylo could barely think in the middle of all this noise now that Hux’s mind was largely unguarded, a panicked mantra hissing his name, drawing him in. He bit on the inside of his cheeks and mentally steadied himself before meeting Hux’s eyes, trying to come across as sincere and reassuring: “I am not here to kill you, Grand Marshal.”

 

==

 

Banthashit. Who gave him the fucking rights to pin him to the floor like a helpless prey and pretend to give mercy as to toy with his fucking food? He flexed his wrists against Ren’s grip ever so slightly and felt the hand tighten. Without any warning as much as a thought, Hux arched his back and gave Ren what he hoped to be a hard kick with all the power that was left in him and Ren recoiled with a low grunt. However, the latter was quick to incapacitate his legs with the Force within a split second, leaving Hux completely immobile and vulnerable. 

“Make it quick, Supreme Leader.” Hux spat, averting his eyes from Kylo’s inquisitive gaze and focusing on the base of the pilot’s seat. An incredible urge to struggle and scream for help swelled up in his chest and made it very hard for him to breathe and he began shaking uncontrollably when he felt Kylo’s ungloved hand gently tipped his chin back. This can’t be the end of him. He imagined himself lifeless on the floor of the shuttle, a ghastly cauterized wound running from his stomach to his chest. 

“Stop that.” Ren said, rather abruptly. Hux blinked, his vision swam as he tried to focus on Ren. He seemed rather angry, his expressive dark eyes turbulent with something that he could not quite read. Hux bit on his lower lip again when the cool tip of an inactivated lightsaber was pressed against his neck, just below his jaw. 

Hux wanted to say something clever, something quick and to the point that can prove his purpose and make the Supreme Leader rethink his decision before his thumb reaches the activation. 

Ren’s hand retreated and threw the hilt aside as if he was stung by the cylindrical weapon. “I— I didn’t mean to—” 

He opened his mouth and only an indecipherable sound escaped from his throat before his vision was clouded, everything before him melted into a puddle of lights, shadows and a thousand reflections. To his horror, the puddle did not localize itself inside his eyes and the droplets of which started creeping their way down his face. He sucked in a sharp breath and let out another undignified sound that he did not recognize. 

“Oh, oh stars!” Ren exclaimed, his face looking incredibly young as his sinfully plump lips trembling to find the words that were lost to him, “What— You’re crying— Stop, please. I’m sorry. Stop.”

Crying, he said. Hux experimentally squeezed his eyelids shut and opened them once more but it didn’t stop, another choked sob squeezed out of his lips as he engaged in this  _ despicable _ act.  _ Armitage is a weak-willed boy.  _ He sank his front teeth into his lip to stop the shameful sounds but it rattled pitifully in his chest and came out nonetheless.  _ Thin as a slip of paper and just as useless.  _ His father forbids crying. Crying is a sign of weakness and crying in front of people is just as shameful as spoiling one’s pants in public. Brendol Hux’s voice echoed in his mind as he tried to stop, his narrow chest heaving with effort. 

It didn’t work; it only got louder. Ren heard his mind and became increasingly agitated, Hux noticed idly. The Force-user cleared his throat, the corners of his dark eyes twitched, “I told you to stop.” 

Hux writhed in panic as soon as he felt the Force closing upon his throat and he bawled, his face distorting as more tears made their way down and words flowed without restraint, his eloquent tongue now a barely coherent mess. “It’s fucking unfair, Ren. I had to earn every single thing I get and I sacrificed everything I had to climb the rungs of this fucking ladder. I had to bleed and kill for what I am today I am destined to rule the whole fucking galaxy and I had it there and then and you just fucking— Just fucking—” He made a vague jut of his chin, “Fucking show up with the Force or whatnot and ruin everything for me. All you had is your mythical fucking gift from God. A wave of your fucking hand. Full of shit, and I am just about to— I don’t want to lose all this. I don’t want to be disposed of. I can still be useful. I don’t want to die.” He did not plan his speech to end with broken whispers and heartbreakingly piteous whimpers but not all things go as planned in his life, certainly not the situation he was in at the moment. He closed his eyes and pretended to die; he was practically dead at this point anyways. He let out a shuddering breath and waited for the coil of Force to tighten. He wished loudly in his mind that he had the guts to shove his blaster down his throat before Ren came. 

He didn’t feel anything at his throat, really; he felt fingers ghosting just below his eyes, gingerly wiping at the tender skin. The grip around his limbs went loose as Ren collected him in a gesture that vaguely resembled a hug before the man remembered to wrap his ridiculously large arms around Hux, timid and unsure. The Force flowed warmly then, curling warmly at the edge of his mind and desperately reassuring him that Ren’s intentions were not to cause him harm. 

He was tired. 

 

==

 

Kylo wiped at the strange lotion-like, flesh-colored substance below Hux’s eyes as it smeared with his tears and revealed what was underneath— big, dark circles that were so deep that it looked like someone punched Hux in both of his eyes. He felt a huge surge of pain in his chest but he didn’t know what to do; he just knew that he had to stop Hux from crying. He searched in his mind for answers. 

He recalled from memories he thought he had long buried in the unreachable depths of his heart, how his mother had held him whenever he shed any tears and it had worked every time. He nudged closer to Hux before remembering to put his arms around Hux and tug inwards, closer, closer. It felt nice and Hux eventually came to a halt, only hiccupping lightly as he furrowed his face deeper to his chest. 

Kylo rubbed the nape of his neck and murmured quietly, afraid that he might startle Hux again, “You are not useless. You are a valuable asset to the First Order. I cannot possibly run this place; I have no clue about how anything works… I thought you were about to desert the ship. About to leave me. You can’t leave me. Not like this.” 

He tightened his arms but Hux pushed him away and stood up shakily. Kylo lowered his arms and mourning the loss of that momentary warmth. 

Hux downed another two of those strange white tablets with a shot of whiskey. 

“I won’t ever kill you, I promise.” Kylo reached out with the Force again, putting a bit of Light this time as he reached the border of Hux’s sizzling thoughts. 

_ Diagnostic complete _ , a cold female voice announced. 

Hux lifted a ginger eyebrow and gave him a thin, mirthless smile. He looked like a corpse but his baby-blues had a feverish glint to them, almost luminescent in the dim lighting and demanding Kylo’s full attention. 

Hux chuckled sourly. 

“O’ Lord, I have my doubts.”

**Author's Note:**

> Give me $3 to fill up my $70,000 tuition! www.ko-fi.com/boymadeofrawcheese
> 
> /I gotta gut feeling there's a blade up in my stomach  
> I don't fear god 'cause I know that he's just bluffing  
> I'ma die one day, open up the gates to nothing/
> 
> Thank you for reading! I would really appreciate kudos and comments :) please take your time to give me some feedback! It would make my day


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